Friday, July 13, 2007

Self Hatred as Sin

I have two friends suffering from fulminating self hatred. One is holding her own and the one is going down for the count. Pisses me off.

After a couple of quiet months my body is currently staging another hormonal insurrection. Yesterday I gained from 181 in the morning to 186 by eight pm. With no salty/sugary food. This morning I have giant pimples on my chin and my hair is so oily it is sticking to my head. I got three hours sleep last night, and sweat through that. I said all that to say this. I don't hate myself this morning. "Poor thing I said to the mirror while applying pimple cream. You are too young and beautiful to be suffering like this." I put on my biggest bra and my mormon jumper. And thongs. I look and feel terrible. And hugely fat. I can only look out from under my blebs and...laugh. Hysterically. We don't have water this morning.

Not so long ago I would have been suicidal by this point. What has made the difference? I have stopped hating myself. Well and truly stopped. Back to sin.

I believe self hatred is sin. I think it is a choice. And I think it slowly sends the hater and the hated to hell. A self determined current as well as an eventual literal hell. This is the first time I have said this out loud. It sounds cruel and heretical. It isn't.

I stopped hating myself by choosing to stop. Do I still feel self hatred? Yes. I was instructed as a child to hate myself and it became habitual. We treat ourselves as we have been treated. As I never challenged this habit it just got stronger and stronger. In fact I never even noticed it until Mentor Mary pointed it out. I was in my thirties. By then it was permanently etched in my brain. Yes permanent. I think I will always have to consciously choose between self hatred and self love. In any kind of stressful situation I will always attack myself first. But I can stop the attack. And I do believe it is an attack. And I am not the only one motivating the assault. I am also being attacked by Satan. Or Lucifer, or generalized evil or whatever is the name of the destructive (as opposed to Creative) power in the universe. Something out there hates us (humanity) and wants to destroy us. If we aid in the process so much the better. Hence the sin of self hatred. We are helping the destruction separate us from Creation. Self hatred sends us slowly down to death.

Okay by the close of yesterday I hated my bloated body. I was disgusted with my giant boobs, sausage fingers, spare tire stomach and tree stump ankles. I felt hatred for this ugly water logged prison. Notice the separation of "me" from the "prison." I know this to be the first warning sign of a major self hatred attack. The separation of church (me) and state (my body). So I felt self hatred but chose to say, "Poor old you. What a thing to happen to such a peach of a person." Then I patted my face. Every time my too tight bra pinched and I felt fat and logy, I said the same thing. I did this every five minutes for a while. Then I got up and changed bras. Oh, I also asked for God to forgive my self hatred and protect me from the attacker.

My friends are letting self hatred use up their precious days. And it is getting worse. Most sin does unless consciously repented of. Repent = to change directions. I care about them. The waste of their lives and talents is driving me nuts.

Take care of yourselves. Change directions. Love Bea.

32 comments:

Grumpy Chair said...

I hate being 43 and having to apply zit cream on occasion. At least, I can still apply the crows feet cream on the eyes.

daisyk said...

The first thing I love about this post is "thongs". I've had to school myself in "flip-flops" in the -- good Lord: HALF my life, now, that I've lived in the state of NY.

That said, I fight self-hatred as well. Recently I asked myself, as I was walking down the street, "why do I hate myself?"

It was a random thought. I began to make a list. I stopped immediately. I wondered if it was something I should write down. I decided it wasn't.

The times I have the best chance of NOT hating myself, of NOT letting the instructors of this hatred win, is when I'm on my food plan.

Realizing that is big. I don't mind hating myself but I fucking can't stand handing over that victory to the you-know-whats.

Do unto yourself as you would do unto others. As much as I silently judge the people I brush past in a day, I still try to be pleasant & peace-making, or try to forget the incident.

Thanks, Beulah...

Charity said...

Great post. Very thought provoking. I had never thought much about the sin of self-hatred.

Zesty said...

What an awesome post.

MUAH!

Cindy174 said...

I SO agree with this. I, too have the hate response etched in my being, but now I respond to it with love. I comfort myself, I remind myself, I choose new thoughts. I believe that hating myself is rejecting God. I want to celebrate the life God gave me and not bury it alive with negativity. It is a choice and it takes work sometimes, and then other times it comes real easy. I am so glad you wrote about this .You are such a soulmate for me. Everything you say touches me. It is amazing. Thanks. PS for some reason I can't get into my blog to post. I will get there eventually. I have been on a spiritual quest and finding much peace and resolution. and thanks for saying thongs, too...

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