Well I am a dope. A dope with a bad temper. A currently freaked out frazzled dope with a bad temper.
No food or water for little dog all day yesterday again. I went over at 6pm to give her some. And owner came home. In his dress army uniform. (There was a fair parade here last eve.) He was nice at first. Thanked me for looking out for the dog. Then she put her paw on my foot and whimpered. There was one tiny bite of dog food under my foot. I moved my foot and she ate it. She had earlier eaten two packages of food out of the dirt because she couldn't wait until I put it in a bowl. She drank all the water. When she whimpered I went ballistic. I yelled at him. I was crying. I hollered "What kind of a person are you to leave a dog in this condition. You are a disgrace to that uniform." He then got in my face and screamed for me to get off his property. I was scared but stood my ground and told him I had called the cops and the humane society. He began yelling "Get off my land and never come back." I picked up the my water can and empty dog food packets and left. I shook all the way home. I scared Mark to death because I came in the house and just howled. He didn't know where I had gone and thought I was dying. When I told him the story he got mad at me. Yelled "I told you to stay away from there that nut could have killed you." He kept hugging me in between the hollering. I sobbed for a couple of hours. We then went for a walk and out for an ice cream cone. I couldn't eat it.
Well I balled it all up. Now I have no access to the dog. She has no one to protect her. Why oh why did I have to get mad and shoot off my mouth? Like I was some plump avenging angel in baggy shorts. Gad. I am a dope. A well meaning dope but still a dope.
I love Mark almost as much as I love the cats. I tell him that. He sat me down and told me about all the abused and neglected kids he daily deals with. And the lack of any way institutionally to help most of them. It is real bad here because this is a rural area with no access to any support systems. The churches and charity groups do what they can but they are hamstrung by regulations. Social services are overwhelmed and have no place to put these kids when they take them out of the homes. There is no foster care or residential care at all. He told me all of this to help me cope with the pain of being unable to help the dog. He says he does what he can for the kids that cross his path and then gives them to God. Then he moves on. Says his shoulders are not broad enough to carry the weight of the pain in the world. Says that is why we have God. God will carry the pain. Says that if God cared for the sparrow he will care for the dog.
I read a story years ago about a Utopian society that functioned because of a child imprisoned in a basement with minimal food and water and no contact with the outside world. The child lived in disease and filth and loneliness. Its presence was known to each and every person in the society above. The child's pain was continually reflected against everyday life thereby allowing all the citizens to value what they had. I hated this story. Still do. But it has wisdom. Christ said the poor would always be with us. And the battered and murdered and starved. As a Christian I believe God's love is the only answer to the pain of the present world. It is just hard for me to hang on to this belief in the face of cruelty. I grew up a lot last night. At 50. It is about time I guess.
Thanks to my readers and commenters. There are days I don't know what I would do without you. Take care of yourselves. Love Bea.