Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Greed (Official Post)

The digging continues. We did get both cars out of the driveway. They are parked a block away. Walking to them is like traversing a war zone. Now the owners of the house have decided to put in a new waterline to the house while the street is torn up. I may never have water again. I am glad for all of this really. Water running 24/7 for six months a year is maddening. Hopefully the new pipes will not freeze and I will not be hooked up to the neighbors all winter by hoses. The construction has slowed considerably as someones keep sabotaging the equipment. No one knows why. This is way more than just kid stuff. They have already destroyed one huge piece of equipment. Poor Mark. They are digging up our street and the street in front of his office. He has become real chummy with the school administration people as he has been using their facilities for two weeks now. Can't pee at home or at work. And he is hip deep in the investigations about the vandalism. Good thing he is cheerful by nature.

I just finished the third book How To Survive Your Diet about Intuitive Eating. It may have been the best of the lot, and the first two, The Rules of Normal Eaing by Karen Koenig and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch, were marvelous. The author, Linda Moran, talks a lot about greed. I thought this would drive me nuts. I was raised on the seven deadly sins. Just the sins. Nothing about forgiveness or help, just sin. But I was easily able to accept and apply her concept of greed. I am greedy for all good things in life. More of that "never get enough" thinking. I want to eat all of something tasty even if I am full. And I do know when I am full. And it is making me mad. (Here comes the greed part.) I sigh. When I am full I sigh. I sigh early on in a meal. While I am eating I consciously check out my hunger level. I can tell when I am full. I may not be stuffed but I am "satiated. " Satiated is her goal. Not full, just full enough. Darn, darn, darn. I want to eat it all. What ever all might be. How can my body be full on half a sandwich and a glass of milk? Stoopid sighing.

I am fighting my body's smallish appetite with every once left of me. I do not want to eat little bits of stuff. I want mounds of it. Even if "mounds" turns out to be the correct portions for my food plan. I am short and small boned and fifty. My body does not need, or apparently want, all the calories I am inhaling. But my mind wants to eat...more. And it makes me mad. I thought once I figured out how to recognize when I was full I would automatically stop wanting to eat. Ha, ha, ha. Compulsive eating is not about hunger. Bet you didn't know that. Once more into the breech dear sisters.

Eat less and exercise more. What, Oh God, if that has been the answer all along? I need to eat less. Not just less than not bingeing, but less food than my food plan. And I am resisting. With IE the idea is to eat small/moderate amounts of good tasting food and to feel satiated. Satisfied. I have been trying. I got some good tasting stuff I have been avoiding. I ate just enough. I sighed. I waited an hour. I was full. I was not anxious. And then I ate all the rest of it. And was sick.

I know this can work. But I have to face down greed. I know I can get more cheesecake and M&M's and do not have to eat all of it at once. But I want to. I want the sensation (those seven deadly sins) of taste to never end. Fooey. I am wallowing in sensation. Again. Okay all that early tutelage was not for not. I recognize sin. Not habit, not security, not painkilling, just the greedy desire for unending sensation. Sensation which closes out God, or anything else. Hence sin.

Pray for me as I will for thee...love Bea.

P.S. I know the links don't work. Will try to fix them later.
P.S.S. Now the links work. I didn't do anything to them. This computer is possessed.